A Quaterly Esports Round Up – As Poetry


Nobody wants to say it, but esports lacks class. While we pretend it’s noble and disciplined, it’s too new and too technologically oriented to be truly considered refined. It’s a guilty pleasure we enjoy when we really know deep down that we should be examining the principles of Stoicism or reflecting on the Franco-Prussian war. We all know it, and it’s okay that you’ve kept quiet about it. Just be content in the knowledge that someone has found the courage to break the silence and is doing their level best to shatter the greasy touchscreen ceiling. I hereby present 5 of the biggest stories in esports so far in 2019, as short poems. You’re welcome.

January – DOTA 2 Major

In mighty Chongqing, they made their bets,

Victors had risen from lower brackets,

None could be derided,

The true winner would be decided,

Between Virtus.pro & Secret.

Virtus dreamt of prior gains,

Yet quickly they did suffer pains,

Oracle picks were not the answer,

No yielding from the Phantom Lancer,

The bear is wounded, one game remains.

Roused and focused, they entered game three,

Depriving Secret of a flawless victory,

And from the fog of loss, they rose still rational,

Once more they’ll meet at the International

To battle once more for the glorious GG!

January – Magic: The Gathering Invitational

At the MTG Arena, they’re polishing tables,

Awaiting thousands to conjure new fables,

Down, the Gauntlet has been thrown,

A hefty sum the winner shall own,

Earning themselves awesome labels.

Pros and streamers, casuals at their best,

Meeting challengers to put to the test,

An epic tourney with 64 duelling,

Stalking intently while prizes are pooling,

Seeking the majesty of total conquest

Doubled in elimination, and in decks,

Supremacy is what the crowd expects,

One long weekend in Boston,

Fearsome foes all tossed in,

Come one, come all for the chance to flex!

February – Apex Legends released

A Challenger appears, to boost your morale,

The newest contender in Battle Royale,

The audience won’t be esoteric,

Bound to annoy those fools at Epic,

Blow up on Twitch it shall!

Week one, 25 million held in thrall,

Not just a spinoff of Titanfall,

Pinging’s gone and changed the game,

Mozambique’s the only shame,

60 in a free-for all

King’s Canyon’s where it all goes down,

Where to drop? Bunker? Skull Town?

Use the rifts to get out of the heat,

Work with your squad to avoid defeat,

Only one can claim the crown!

March – OWL Geolocation announced and receives… a mixed reception

What can esports borrow from traditional?

How best to train, while eating nutritional,

OWL has an idea that may be witty,

Why not have teams based in their city?

The response – rather oppositional.

“This is how we’ve always enjoyed

Teams playing local or deployed

Representing in distant places,

By shooting hoops or running bases,

Overwatch please fill this void!”

“We’re not ready, let’s not be rash,

There’s too much at stake if it were to crash

Take more time to cement your plans,

Else one small thing turns off all the new fans

And the interest is lost in a flash!”

March – Astralis wins IEM Katowice

Despite all their priming

Liquid messed up the timing

From the confident speak

Too early did they peak,

Tripped, by an underdog climbing

Did you hear, or are you dense?

Astralis versus ENCE

One returning for the cup,

The other a hopeful pup

In Katowice, let the battle commence.

So begin the careful scraps,

Trains and Inferno are the maps

Two 16’s for the Danes,

RFRSH’s team still holds the reins

Spodek Stadium screamsand claps!

Comments are closed, but trackbacks and pingbacks are open.